Weak

I am weak.

And I won't be the first person to admit that...before now.

I will admit, claim even, that I am not perfect, I don't have it all together, I'm awkward, wrong, inconsistent, strange, and different. But, weak? Not me.

I suppose you could add prideful to that list because pride goes before a fall and let me tell you, I fell.

You want to hear a story?

I was out walking with my two year old and he kept pulling my arm to swing into the air. It was fun a few times and then I told him to stop. He didn't. I got his attention and asked him to cease from swinging because we were on a busy road. He continued. Finally I had asked enough times and just let him fall. When he went to swing I made my arm go limp and instead of swinging through the air his backside hit the pavement and his face looked at me in disgust.

I am not going to compare myself to God but I am going to draw some parallels. I had gotten his attention and I told him he needed to stop, he listened but thought he was wiser. He wanted to continue more than he wanted to obey. With the land on his rump came the understanding that what I was saying was true. He needed to stop.

A year ago I thought I was strong. I had a good bit together. It wasn't perfect but I was in a time in my life when I was "swinging through the air" hand in hand with my "Dad." Good relationships, good ministry, good job, good balance of my finances, good quiet times, etc. Swing.

Slowly I felt God tightening His grip and stopping the play time. "Beloved, we're approaching a busy street."  My heart was stilled by what He said but didn't change the forward motion. Swing.

In June it was undeniable that God was moving me from my job. With that decision I cut half my pay, hours, and stress. It looked like a good thing. It was. Six months down the road it got a little tougher and tighter but, it was still a good thing. I was still swinging.

That's when things started getting a little tougher. I was in a good relationship. Solid, Christ-centered. In my need to plan, I planned it all out. "It's time to stop swinging." I didn't listen. With pain in His heart for me His arm went limp. Down on my rump. It hurt, bad.

I said goodbye to a nephew I'll never meet. Hurt.

I struggled in my quiet times. Hurt.

My car broke down. Hurt.

Friday Friend had some needs yet stayed unresponsive to my touch and interaction. Hurt.

J gets sick, I feel numb. Hurt

God lead me away the ministry I poured four years worth of hours into. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.

I've had to face my past in ways I didn't think still existed. I have been extensively stretched and tried. I have reached the end of what I thought was possible and kept going. I have jumped, stayed, cried, begged, rejoiced, and screamed. My year didn't end with a swing. It ended with one land on my tail after another. Pride goes before and fall and in my case, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall...

Get the picture?

I sat on the couch in Georgia one night as a dear sister in Christ gently took a gaze into the past twelve months. She hadn't been able to be there to give me a hug, hold my hand, or wipe my tears. But in some of my biggest hurt, unbeknownst to her, God pressed upon her heart to pray for me. It was like a hug from God to look back over the last year and put together her prayers and my hurt. In that moment the lyrics from the David Crowder Band song How He Loves flooded my heart. In all my moments of pain and hurt never ONCE did God release His grip on my hand. My backside throbbed from my constant throwing my body into the air and landing on my pride. BUT, my God never let go of my hand. Just like with my two year old I told him what was going on, I warned Him of the dangers, and instructed him to stop. When he refused I didn't let go and let him figure it out, I held his hand to keep him safe while he tasted a little of pain his pride needed to back off.

Let me show you what I mean.

God provided one great and steady blessing throughout my whole life not just this last year. My family. They haven't left me to my own and let me "figure it out." They have stayed through my ugliest and loved me in spite of it. They have hurt with me and for me. They have warned me of dangers, wiped my tears, and helped me learn. They have held me, scolded me, and laughed with me. They were there whenever I turned around and didn't once ask, "what can I do?" They just did. He held my hand. How He loves us.

My sister moved back to the east coast just before this year unfolded for me and was there when I went to the ER for my ex because I didn't know what else to do. He held my hand. How He loves us.

Random people in my past who hadn't spoken to me in forever contacted me telling me they were praying for me. He held my hand. How He loves us.

He has blessed me the best job ever. Flexible hours, and people. Wonderful, wonderful blessing. He held my hand. How He loves us.

Here are the lyrics to How He Loves. In so many ways I put together the weight of His mercy and see that it was more than I could have fathomed. 

"How He Loves"
(originally by John Mark McMillan)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.

So yes. I am weak. I am so weak in fact that this entire last year profits my pride nothing to boast of. I didn't have any reason to boast. Not one. He took me, all of me, and everything I could give. He let me hurt a little to strip my pride and showed me how great His love, mercy, He is. Just when I didn't know why, I couldn't understand the reasons, I like Mr. McMillian's words say, didn't have time to see the afflictions eclipsed by glory. After I got over my disgust of falling I was crippled by how beautiful He was. I was crushed by His affection for me (as I write this I am having a hard time seeing the screen). How He loves us, oh how He loves us. How. He. Loves. Me. I was sinking in His mercy and grace and I am overwhelmed by how much He loves me.

In all the months leading up to this moment I can say that my pride needed to be taken away. This realization doesn't lesson the pain, it shows me where the pain was paid for once and for all and that in those limp arm moments, His hand holds on that much tighter.

I am standing on this side of it. Thankful to be through it. I have moved on from my relationship, job, and church.  I am redefining what I mean by the small steps of obedience I am taking. Little by little I am standing back up and taking steps, hand in hand with my Father and smiling.

Linking up with: Serving Joyfully