We saw this coming

I made a decision this past week. One that I thought was HUGE. Still in my mind it is. It was a hard decision. I was personally dealing with the feeling of failure. It pained me to agree to the fact that I could not do it anymore. That was it. I was done. Or so I thought.

Let me back up. I have been working for my church for almost 2 years now. I started the August after I graduated in May 2008. I was young. I was inexperienced. I had no idea what I was getting into. But, there was no reason to make me question. Nothing that made me wonder if this was what I needed to do. I remember feeling completely at peace. I don't regret making the decision to take this job. I have learned so much. I have grown. I learned a lot of public relations work...'ish! =) God has stretched and grown me. He has expanded my mindset. I have a feeling...no, I know that I am more confident in things of this area now than when I was 2 years ago.

With that being said, I now take my leave. God first spoke to me in Peru last year. I thought it was the altitude! =) Then I began a few months of really wondering if I had indeed heard God's leading away from the job. I was really struggling. I started praying pretty seriously about it. Finally I told someone for the first time in early December that I was beginning to struggle. I only let close friends, my parents, and my sister in on it. Here's why...

I thought I was failing. I had a feeling that I was letting people down. I couldn't do it. ouch! I wanted to be able "to get past this." I had a conversation with someone and they encouraged me that "failing" was not an option if I was following God's leading. That I am not a loser. That He didn't call me to be a let down. He was leading I needed to follow. End. Of. Story.

Once I got past that I took my perfectionist, over analyzing, nitty gritty, deciphering attitude and put it to work. Was I really hearing the Father or my own desires to bow out gracefully? I was confused. I met with a dear friend a few weeks ago and told her what I was thinking. She looked at me and she said, "I know you and I think I am correct. If your heart is nestled in the Father's like I think it is than your desires will be His."

Ohmygoodnessgracious! My desires, His? Yeah! I took the next several days to pray about it. Except this time I changed my prayer. I prayed...pleaded that God would completely, not leave a single bit out, captivate my heart. I spent the next several days just thanking God for how He was holding my heart.

That was it. The end. God had made it clear. He had all along but my Gideon mind set kept me from just jumping on it. I am so thankful He used so many to help me. He has given me so many people who love me and love Him. I am so thankful for their counsel.

I got off the phone from my boss this afternoon. These are the words that kept sticking out from what she said. "We saw this coming." What? She was so encouraging. She wasn't disappointed. But, what? We saw this coming?! Really? She knew I had been frustrated. She knew I was needing some...thing. I think maybe she was hoping it would be a little later.

All in all I am done August 1st. Am I ready? yes. But, I want to finish stronger than when I started. I want to leave on a good foot. God has brought me this far, He is going to finish it! Yeah!