Can I get a, "mmhmm," if you've been asked this question?!
I did. I have for the last 5 or 6 years. When it became evident that God was clearly leading me away from the "further education" route, so many well-meaning, godly individuals questioned my decision. For a choice that seems so foreign, I was being so judged. From those in authority, brothers and sisters in Christ, pastors, leaders, and the like all casts eyes of disapproval with sighs of disappointment and sympathy as to voice thier concern for me "throwing my life away."
I hurt, literally, by the comments, well-meaning or not, that people gave freely and in abundance. I didn't see Sally Mae get the same treatment for her choice of school or Billy Jo for his choice of country to be a missionary. Unfortunaetly all these were lofty, grand, humbling, and bold statements of thier faith to step out from the childhood and into serving God on college campuses and locations around the globe.
And me? Well, I wasn't. I wasn't grabbing my passport and heading to the airport. I wasn't cashing in my highschool books for college edition. I wasn't packing my things and headed to a discipleship school. To them I wasn't doing anything.
Is any of this resonating with anyone? Am I playing a few familiar cords? What I heard as obedience from my heavenly Father, to others was laziness, an excuse to sit around and loaf, and a poor example of a "good Christian girl." To me, oh to me it was much different. I felt a calling of a different kind. To Sally and Billy they followed Jesus onto a college campus and into the middle of a remote village in Uganda. My calling wasn't to a school or overseas, yet. My calling was for my life. I wasn't devoting 2 years post graduation to a people group or 4 + years to a degree and eventual success. I was devoting my life to the the calling that I find clearly laid out in His Word for me.
When asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up it was always one thing. A wife and mom. End. of. story.
I knew then God's call on my life would follow close to this. As I have grown and matured, I have seen it play out slightly different than I expected but it remains the same call.
Allow me to explain. I didn't jump out of my cap and gown and into a wedding dress, followed by a baby by anniversary #1 and house with a fence, jobs set, and 3 or 4 consecutive small ones to follow. I didn't stay home with my rooms all tidy and mannerly children. It hasn't happened that way and I wouldn't want it to. As with any job I need training. That, my friends, is where I am now. I am in training.
You would never lay down to open heart surgery preformed by a man who woke up one day and put on scrubs, would you? NO. And you wouldn't hire a man to file your taxes who never heard of the various forms and filing systems, would you? NO. And you would never ask someone to plead your case in court who never cracked the cover of a law book, would you? NO.
All of these occupations and so many others require schooling, training, hours of practice, observation, attention, work, and a desire to complete said job. For most careers on this earth you can't just walk in and express that you woke up and wanted to be whatever it is. It takes time.
To be clear here, the moms who had less training this doesn't make you less equipped. God knew what you needed and how much you needed. If you did jump from one thing to wife in a matter of months God designed that for you. For me, He plotted out a few more months/years. However the amount of time, you still need training. To be a wife and mother requires work and training. Those two occupations hold so many hats and take so many talents.
So, to answer the question, no. I am not going to sit around while I am waiting. I am training. As with most things the waiting and training are hard, draining, and difficult at times. The things you don't hear are often the things we don't want to admit for fear of "failing."
Things like:
#1 At the end of the day, it's still training. You will tuck in someone else's children, clean someone else's kitchen, and put away someone else's food. You won't come down your stairs at the end of a long day and curl up next to your hubby.
#2 You are going against the grain of our modern culture. Any time you go against the flow it take a LOT of work.
#3 There is no time line. No "end in sight" at any given moment. You don't know when your training will be over and you can't plot out the events of your days accordingly. You have to devote your time and energy to training and God will decide when you have completed it, not you.
#4 You're being watched and that is weary. It is hard to be constantly observed. So many are just watching you and what you do mostly because of #2.
It doesn't make this job easier to express these things. The only thing it does do is help you realize that others feel the same way.
I have struggled with perfectionism for a long time. I am learning that it is rooted in something not eternal seeking and I need to s.t.o.p. However, for so long that fed my need to NOT admit that I had feelings of failure. It is a work and a striving after Him and His ways. It is not an overnight feat and I thought that if I voiced my concern for a issue, problem, or shortcoming I had altogether failed. NOT TRUE! Not at all my friends. Admitting where you come short shows His strength all the more.
So, dear readers, if you are reading along and feel like it is a little tiring right now rest on these things.
- God is with you and promises to always be. He will never leave you or forsake you and He will give you strength to get up and do it again.
- You are not alone...There are so many out there who feel the same way. Take heart that there is Joy in the Journey.
- Strive with all your heart for the end result and that is to glorify the Father. I heard it said last weekend, "God, if you are glorified, I am satisfied." Be satisfied in that.
No comments:
Post a Comment