smiling

Recently I have been meeting with someone to discuss my past, perfectionism, the fight to succeed, and why all of those things fit together. I don't like modern terminology and phrases, fact of the matter is, I am gleaning wisdom of the aged woman like Paul exhorts in Titus.

Why, do you ask, is this relevant to anything I am about to say? Allow me to direct you to that little word in the list above. Perfectionism. I struggle with a terrible case of it. There, I said it. I am not perfect even though every fiber of my being feels like it has to be. I have a hard time letting go and going with the flow. Every defect no matter how small wears on my nerves.

You don't know how big this is, so bear with me. Here is the kicker to all this. Perfectionism is a sin. It is not a godly characteristic and in many cases (mine not excluded) it can become a god. Suddenly the need and the drive to be and do everything right is number 1. As we find in Matthew 5, it is to be a striving and a goal. Never a god. However, it so easily consumes our being.

Still not seeing the relevance? That's ok. Hang on.

Recently, The Master of the story, The Great Physician and Author, The Beginning and the End lead me through a part of His magnificent story that hurt a little. Through my perfectionist eyes I saw failure. Through His eyes, He saw my hurt and gently directed me to what was His best for me. I didn't fail. I obeyed. I can say with confidence that I went through every step and came out the other side with no regrets. I held to my standards, convictions, and beliefs. I didn't give in, give up, or give over.

So as to avoid the elephant no longer, guy and girl are no longer. When I introduced you all to our story I had no intentions of ending things so soon. When we started I had every reason to think we were doing the right thing. He had prayed. I had prayed. He talked to my dad. He pursued me and we went where we felt lead, together, with so many cheering us on.

In the recent weeks my heart started feeling tugged in a different direction. I wanted it to go away. I didn't want it to beat me. I couldn't see how this was striving to be perfect as He is perfect. As He lead, I began to wonder if I had heard correctly. Confirmation upon confirmation later, our best isn't together.

Guy is not a bad guy. I still hope he achieves his goals and dreams. It just won't be with me in his cheering section.

This week has felt like an uphill climb. I have been trying hard to remain joyful. I am thankful for this. I am not sad or regretful. This verse has encouraged my heart in the present days. I am donning myself in strength and dignity and I am smiling at the days ahead. My Father has my heart and is holding it tenderly. He is leading and I don't doubt the last few months were in His plan. He works everything together for good for those that love Him.

I covet your prayers.

Patient in trials, expectant in hope, joyful in the wait.