where did mine go?

I saw someone cry over a boy today. It was hard, dramatic, painful. It didn't look like fun.

But, there is this part of me that really, REALLY struggles NOT to want that. Not the 'crying over' part but, the part about having something to cry over.

I am one of 5 girls. The youngest is 10 so I am excluding her. The other 3 have all had interests, relationships, flirtation that lasted longer than the 5 minutes it took to buy the arm full of items at the grocery store...that thing. Me, not a one. My sisters would argue me to the ground but in reality it is true. Even the 2 or so guys that potentially asked me how I was doing two weeks in a row do not count to what I am talking about.

I feel SO INCREDIBLY shallow in even thinking about writing this, let alone doing it! But, here it goes. There is a part of me that just wants to know what it is. We were raised the same way. We have the same convictions and up bringing. I am a girl that I don't feel is too weird. Why haven't I at least been found interesting or thought of enough to be "liked." What don't I have? Where did mine go? Whatever it is that makes them...desirable.

Please don't read this wrong. My desire is to be completely in the center of the will of my Father. When I fall in love I want it to be the love story God intended and not the one I try to write for myself. But, I really want to be wanted. I want to be found attractive.

I am working my way through Leslie Ludy's book, Sacred Singleness. Good book. Great message. It is everything I desire. It is right when it says, over and over again, I don't need a guy to complete me. Not for one minute do I think that once I "have" one that life will be perfect but forgive me, I would really like to know what it is about me that veers a guys away.

The Prince of my heart is Jesus. He rescued me. He saved me. He holds me. He loves me. He is my completer. He is what makes my heart beat. He is the reason for my next breath. And, if He has designed it so that I spend my days on this earth with out a physical, earthly romance, so be it. Is it wrong of me to ask that He send someone to let me know that I may be worth it if God lead.

To be honest, I am not sure which is better. Having a guy and having it go no where and be completely frustrating, OR never, not once, having one at all. After reading this I am contradicting myself right and left. Trust me, I know. But, the King of my heart made me human, imagine that! With humanness come human desires and yes, I desire "that."

Wrong?
Maybe

I know that my God is my strength for the next day, hour, moment, breath. He loves me. How He loves me.