He is risen!
He is risen indeed!
4.20.2014
4.18.2014
It is a Good Friday
John 19:16-30
We read this as a family the other day and I just couldn't get it out of my mind. I played those words over and over again in my head like a tape player. Different interests bring about different responses. I tend to be more interested in the science of things and not the art of it. Pictures of twisted thorns artistically hung on a rusty nail really speaks to some people. I am not one of those people. When I listened as my mom read this I could barely put two words together. To the artistic people that nail and thorn picture screams the pain their sin caused. To me, it was this article. The medical side of it alone is astonishing. My sin caused that. My Savior willingly took that.
Glory to the One, God's murdered Son. -John Mark McMillan
A medical doctor once gave a detailed description of what happens when someone is crucified:
"The cross is placed on the ground and the exhausted man is quickly thrown backwards with his shoulders again the wood. The legionnaire feels for the depression at the front of the wrist. He drives a heavy, square wrought-iron nail through the wrist and deep into the wood. Quickly he moves to the other side and repeats the action, being careful not to pull the arms too tightly, but to allow some flex and movement. The cross is then lifted into place.
"The left foot is pressed backward against the right foot, and with both feet extended, toes down, a nail is driven through the arch of each, leaving the knees flexed. The victim is now crucified. As he slowly sags down with more weight on the nails in the wrists, excruciating, fiery pain shoots along the fingers and up the arms to explode in the brain--the nails in the wrists are putting pressure on the median nerves. As he pushes himself upward to avoid the stretching torment, he places the full weight on the nail through his feet. Again he feels the searing agony of the nail tearing through the nerves between the bones of his feet.
"As the arms fatigue, cramps sweep through the muscles, knotting them in deep, relentless, throbbing pain. With these cramps comes the inability to push himself upward to breathe. Air can be drawn into the lungs but not exhaled. He fights to raise himself in order to get even one small breath. Finally carbon dioxide builds up in the lungs and in the blood stream. Spasmodically he is able to push himself upward to exhale and bring in life-giving oxygen.
"Hours of this...pain, cycles of twisting, joint-rending cramps, intermittent partial asphyxiation, searing pain as tissue is torn from his lacerated back as he moves up and down against the rough timber. Then another agony begins: a deep, crushing pain deep in the chest as the pericardium slowly fills with serum and begins to compress the heart.
It is now almost over--the loss of tissue fluids has reached a critical level--the compressed heart is struggling to pump heavy, thick, sluggish blood into the tissues--the tortured lungs are making a frantic effort to gasp in small gulps of air. He can feel the chill of death creeping through his tissues...finally he can allow his body to die."
The Bible records this process of death by crucifixion in just a few simple words. How often we take for granted the pain and suffering Jesus endured when He died on the cross for you and me. Let us remember this Easter the sacrifice He made. - source
We read this as a family the other day and I just couldn't get it out of my mind. I played those words over and over again in my head like a tape player. Different interests bring about different responses. I tend to be more interested in the science of things and not the art of it. Pictures of twisted thorns artistically hung on a rusty nail really speaks to some people. I am not one of those people. When I listened as my mom read this I could barely put two words together. To the artistic people that nail and thorn picture screams the pain their sin caused. To me, it was this article. The medical side of it alone is astonishing. My sin caused that. My Savior willingly took that.
Glory to the One, God's murdered Son. -John Mark McMillan
4.17.2014
Getting Ready for Gethsemene
Matthew 26:36-46
I can't imagine the picture.
Sweat and blood mingled on the brow of a physically ill man.
The agony of what was on the cusp of His timeline writhed inside him.
Most of time we see God's supremacy touch humanity in the form of a baby. Today I saw it in the prayers of a man in a garden. His requests for His Father to take the cup were asked with a burning desire to relieve Himself of the immense weight He carried.
The Matthew Henry Commentary brought up a good point about that cup. He wasn't asked to give up an ocean or even a stream. It was a cup, one He would soon see the bottom of. ~source
I can't imagine the picture.
Sweat and blood mingled on the brow of a physically ill man.
The agony of what was on the cusp of His timeline writhed inside him.
Most of time we see God's supremacy touch humanity in the form of a baby. Today I saw it in the prayers of a man in a garden. His requests for His Father to take the cup were asked with a burning desire to relieve Himself of the immense weight He carried.
The Matthew Henry Commentary brought up a good point about that cup. He wasn't asked to give up an ocean or even a stream. It was a cup, one He would soon see the bottom of. ~source
4.15.2014
Happy Birthday Pudge!
Aunt Hottie loves you Pudge! Happy Birthday! I hope you have a really good first birthday day! Love you!
4.14.2014
50 reasons my mom is the coolest
I am sorry for the long lost blog writer! These weeks have been crammed lately. So much. So much. But later...
Today I am celebrating a very special birthday. Let's get started!
#1 - she leads by example.
#2 - she is interested in each of us.
#3 - she loves my dad.
#4 - she is creative.
#5 - she knows how to have fun.
#6 - she knows how to be serious when needed.
#7 - she holds me when I cry.
#8 - she celebrates when I'm happy.
#9 - she isn't a terrible person to hear come out of my mouth.
#10 - she gives fantastic advice.
#11 - she prefers to give than to be given to.
#12 - she has a HUGE heart for others.
#13 - she makes some awesome food.
#14 - she shows constant growth spiritually.
#15 - she isn't too far out of touch with everything going on.
#16 - she enjoys some good music.
#17 - she loves order.
#18 - she loves to celebrate others.
#19 - she loves to go on dates with my dad.
#20 - she isn't totally anti-spontaneity.
#21 - she is hands-on and interactive in our lives.
#22 - she loves the craziness the 12 loud people in her family create.
#23 - she enjoys a good project.
#24 - she doesn't take part in bashing people.
#25 - she has spent hours pouring into our education.
#26 - she likes to make memories.
#27 - she enjoys the little things.
#28 - she likes to have fun.
#29 - she likes to help us learn.
#31 - she is supportive of my dad.
#32 - she has awesome stories to tell.
#33 - she enjoys our friends.
#34 - she likes having all her family around.
#35 - she supports and encourages our interests.
#36 - she doesn't miss an opportunity to prepare us for our futures.
#37 - she prays with us.
#38 - she works to maintain an eternal focus.
#39 - she works hard.
#40 - she is submissive.
#41 - she reads God's Word every morning with us before we begin the day.
#42 - she likes a good adventure...that is planned. =)
#43 - she is there when I need her.
#44 - she is my friend.
#45 - she is a good friend to others.
#46 - she has inside jokes with people.
#47 - she is sincerely interested in people and their lives.
#48 - she shares her car with me.
#49 - she encourages JOY in our lives, Jesus first, Others second, and You last.
#50 - she is my mom!
Happy Birthday to my mom! I am thankful for you individually for the 50 reasons above and just simply because you are you! I love to learn from you and be with you! I pray your day is blessed and filled with joy. I hope you feel special today on your special day!
I love you!
Linking up with Still Being Molly for Funday Monday
Today I am celebrating a very special birthday. Let's get started!
#2 - she is interested in each of us.
#3 - she loves my dad.
#4 - she is creative.
#5 - she knows how to have fun.
#6 - she knows how to be serious when needed.
#7 - she holds me when I cry.
#8 - she celebrates when I'm happy.
#9 - she isn't a terrible person to hear come out of my mouth.
#10 - she gives fantastic advice.
#12 - she has a HUGE heart for others.
#13 - she makes some awesome food.
#14 - she shows constant growth spiritually.
#15 - she isn't too far out of touch with everything going on.
#16 - she enjoys some good music.
#17 - she loves order.
#18 - she loves to celebrate others.
#19 - she loves to go on dates with my dad.
#20 - she isn't totally anti-spontaneity.
#22 - she loves the craziness the 12 loud people in her family create.
#23 - she enjoys a good project.
#24 - she doesn't take part in bashing people.
#25 - she has spent hours pouring into our education.
#26 - she likes to make memories.
#27 - she enjoys the little things.
#28 - she likes to have fun.
#29 - she likes to help us learn.
#32 - she has awesome stories to tell.
#33 - she enjoys our friends.
#34 - she likes having all her family around.
#35 - she supports and encourages our interests.
#36 - she doesn't miss an opportunity to prepare us for our futures.
#37 - she prays with us.
#38 - she works to maintain an eternal focus.
#39 - she works hard.
#41 - she reads God's Word every morning with us before we begin the day.
#42 - she likes a good adventure...that is planned. =)
#43 - she is there when I need her.
#44 - she is my friend.
#45 - she is a good friend to others.
#46 - she has inside jokes with people.
#47 - she is sincerely interested in people and their lives.
#48 - she shares her car with me.
#49 - she encourages JOY in our lives, Jesus first, Others second, and You last.
#50 - she is my mom!
I love you!
Linking up with Still Being Molly for Funday Monday
4.01.2014
Goals Go!: April
To be honest this is one of those things that grates on my type A personality so bad! The past two months have been packed! Packed with everything but me getting my goals accomplished. I need to make a category in my goals titled "stretching" so that I can learn to take all the goals I make up and let them go.
I decided that instead of trying to catch up this month that I am just going to recalibrate. Like a GPS that has to re-decide what to do when you don't make that turn. "Recalculating...again." But that's ok...right? When the last few weeks have been consumed with cars breaking, half-a-month trips to Atlanta, too many snow days, mounting bills, and sick little boys it is, of course, ok!
This is going to be a recap of about where I am and where I hope to be in a month. Here is a look at the last month if you are interested.
365 thanks: I have gotten behind on this...really behind. I don't remember the last time that I took a picture of something I was thankful for. I think I am going to change this a bit. I don't think I need to be less thankful...just thankful in a different way. I am going to change the project to once a week. I will try to snap a picture of something I am thankful, but only once a week. By the end of the month I should have a slide show with a grand total of four item and not thirty. That means at the end of the year it will be 52 and not 365. Again, that. is. ok.
Goal for this month - Make sure I have the first 14 for the first 14 weeks of 2014 written up, pictures taken, and flipagram made.
Memorization: I didn't finish the verses I chose for February. Just being honest. That means I didn't choose one for March. I am taking April to master the two I have chosen.
Goal for this month - Master Psalm 139 and John 1:1-16.
Birthday cards: I got behind on March. I am still sending them anyway! Hoping to get most of April's made and addressed tonight to be ready to sent.
Goals for this month - make and address all of April and March by this first week of April. Send by April 7th. By the last few weeks of this month I want to work on May's and have pictures taken so that I can post about it!
Sister dates: Because my car broke down I have failed and failed miserably. I missed January altogether, February was supposed to be Bean for her birthday and March was Madalee. April is back to both of them. This is going to be reconfigured. Bean will get her birthday date and we will start over with both of them this month.
Goals for this month - take Bean on her birthday sister date and recalculate.
Grandparents: Every other week my family and my uncles spend the Sunday night at my grandma's house. This past week I visited with my other grandparents. Working on it. Not great but working on it.
Goals for this month - contact my grandparents not through my parents.
Pen pal: I am a despicable human being.
Goals this month - write back and send NO later than April 7th.
Lesson plans: We have been on a class break lately because I have been gone so much. I plan to take a look this week and really lesson plan. For homeschool I feel like I'm on track.
Goals for this month - figure out how I want to go about the next term and how to execute it. I also need to write up everything for next year and decide what to do for a junior!
Buisness notebook: Having to do some MAJOR reconfiguring. Including a new budget to meet my current needs. Taking a look this week to see if I can get back on top.
Goals for this month - reconfigure the budget to live like no other this year (reference Dave Ramsey). Also need to add sections for classes (next year/semester), and a small side business I am hoping to start up.
Calendar: Still working like a charm. Need to work harder on accomplishing my lists I set per week but keeping a good count of when I am paid and needed dates.
Goals this month - Keep it up! Set realistic weekly goals of small things to get done, and get them done!
Foods: My stomach hates me. Going to start a project blog to see if I can nail something down and hopefully find someone, anyone that may deal with the same things! Coming soon!
Goals this month - make the blog functional and begin keeping a detailed track of symptoms and trigger foods.
Clothing: Nope. Actually, that is a lie. I did a MASSIVE clothing overhaul this month. I emptied both seasons, all drawers and the closet, tried EVERYTHING on and got rid of/plan to sell what I don't want, couldn't wear, etc! It was fantastic...and humbling.
Goals this month - Take at least 10 outfit pictures. That means getting dressed 10 times this month in something other than my "go to" items!
Hair: Nope again. Growing my bangs out...going to pull them out before this is said and done.
Goals this month - to participate in Taming Rapunzel's Feminine Monday link up with hairstyles on the 7th, 14th, 21st, and 28th.
I feel better getting this all down and out of my head. Hopefully my month of calibration will do me good! Looking forward to getting back on track. Desiring to make plans and keep them but not be overwhelmed by them to the point of obsession!
Happy Tuesday and April Fool's Day!
I decided that instead of trying to catch up this month that I am just going to recalibrate. Like a GPS that has to re-decide what to do when you don't make that turn. "Recalculating...again." But that's ok...right? When the last few weeks have been consumed with cars breaking, half-a-month trips to Atlanta, too many snow days, mounting bills, and sick little boys it is, of course, ok!
This is going to be a recap of about where I am and where I hope to be in a month. Here is a look at the last month if you are interested.
365 thanks: I have gotten behind on this...really behind. I don't remember the last time that I took a picture of something I was thankful for. I think I am going to change this a bit. I don't think I need to be less thankful...just thankful in a different way. I am going to change the project to once a week. I will try to snap a picture of something I am thankful, but only once a week. By the end of the month I should have a slide show with a grand total of four item and not thirty. That means at the end of the year it will be 52 and not 365. Again, that. is. ok.
Goal for this month - Make sure I have the first 14 for the first 14 weeks of 2014 written up, pictures taken, and flipagram made.
Memorization: I didn't finish the verses I chose for February. Just being honest. That means I didn't choose one for March. I am taking April to master the two I have chosen.
Goal for this month - Master Psalm 139 and John 1:1-16.
Birthday cards: I got behind on March. I am still sending them anyway! Hoping to get most of April's made and addressed tonight to be ready to sent.
Goals for this month - make and address all of April and March by this first week of April. Send by April 7th. By the last few weeks of this month I want to work on May's and have pictures taken so that I can post about it!
Sister dates: Because my car broke down I have failed and failed miserably. I missed January altogether, February was supposed to be Bean for her birthday and March was Madalee. April is back to both of them. This is going to be reconfigured. Bean will get her birthday date and we will start over with both of them this month.
Goals for this month - take Bean on her birthday sister date and recalculate.
Grandparents: Every other week my family and my uncles spend the Sunday night at my grandma's house. This past week I visited with my other grandparents. Working on it. Not great but working on it.
Goals for this month - contact my grandparents not through my parents.
Pen pal: I am a despicable human being.
Goals this month - write back and send NO later than April 7th.
Lesson plans: We have been on a class break lately because I have been gone so much. I plan to take a look this week and really lesson plan. For homeschool I feel like I'm on track.
Goals for this month - figure out how I want to go about the next term and how to execute it. I also need to write up everything for next year and decide what to do for a junior!
Buisness notebook: Having to do some MAJOR reconfiguring. Including a new budget to meet my current needs. Taking a look this week to see if I can get back on top.
Goals for this month - reconfigure the budget to live like no other this year (reference Dave Ramsey). Also need to add sections for classes (next year/semester), and a small side business I am hoping to start up.
Calendar: Still working like a charm. Need to work harder on accomplishing my lists I set per week but keeping a good count of when I am paid and needed dates.
Goals this month - Keep it up! Set realistic weekly goals of small things to get done, and get them done!
Foods: My stomach hates me. Going to start a project blog to see if I can nail something down and hopefully find someone, anyone that may deal with the same things! Coming soon!
Goals this month - make the blog functional and begin keeping a detailed track of symptoms and trigger foods.
Clothing: Nope. Actually, that is a lie. I did a MASSIVE clothing overhaul this month. I emptied both seasons, all drawers and the closet, tried EVERYTHING on and got rid of/plan to sell what I don't want, couldn't wear, etc! It was fantastic...and humbling.
Goals this month - Take at least 10 outfit pictures. That means getting dressed 10 times this month in something other than my "go to" items!
Hair: Nope again. Growing my bangs out...going to pull them out before this is said and done.
Goals this month - to participate in Taming Rapunzel's Feminine Monday link up with hairstyles on the 7th, 14th, 21st, and 28th.
I feel better getting this all down and out of my head. Hopefully my month of calibration will do me good! Looking forward to getting back on track. Desiring to make plans and keep them but not be overwhelmed by them to the point of obsession!
Happy Tuesday and April Fool's Day!
3.28.2014
Five on Friday: #bubbybirthday
This Five on Friday is going to be a bit different! This Five on Friday is celebrating five things over the course of five years. You see, five years ago a little boy was born that made parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all for the first time. Today I am celebrating him and his #halfadecade!
[one]
Bubby, I love your excitement for the smallest things! You make the day to day something to be thankful for.
[two]
Bubs, I love your laugh and how contagious it is!
[three]
I love your fuzzy hair. Every. Crazy. Strand.
[four]
I love that I can call you brother-in-Christ. Your faith is truly a child-like faith. You have taught me what it means to be sure of what we hope for and confident in the things unseen.
[five]
I love being your aunt. I love that you are my bubby. I love you!
Happy 5th birthday Harrison! You fun, energetic, others loving, transforming, smart, kind, joyful, exciting, growing bigger little boy! I love you and pray your day is full of blessings and joy!
Hottie loves you, so, so, so very much!
Linking up with: The Good Life Blog . Carolina Charm . A. Liz Adventures for Five on Friday
[one]
Bubby, I love your excitement for the smallest things! You make the day to day something to be thankful for.
Bubs, I love your laugh and how contagious it is!
I love your fuzzy hair. Every. Crazy. Strand.
I love that I can call you brother-in-Christ. Your faith is truly a child-like faith. You have taught me what it means to be sure of what we hope for and confident in the things unseen.
I love being your aunt. I love that you are my bubby. I love you!
Hottie loves you, so, so, so very much!
Linking up with: The Good Life Blog . Carolina Charm . A. Liz Adventures for Five on Friday
3.20.2014
Weak
I am weak.
And I won't be the first person to admit that...before now.
I will admit, claim even, that I am not perfect, I don't have it all together, I'm awkward, wrong, inconsistent, strange, and different. But, weak? Not me.
I suppose you could add prideful to that list because pride goes before a fall and let me tell you, I fell.
You want to hear a story?
I was out walking with my two year old and he kept pulling my arm to swing into the air. It was fun a few times and then I told him to stop. He didn't. I got his attention and asked him to cease from swinging because we were on a busy road. He continued. Finally I had asked enough times and just let him fall. When he went to swing I made my arm go limp and instead of swinging through the air his backside hit the pavement and his face looked at me in disgust.
I am not going to compare myself to God but I am going to draw some parallels. I had gotten his attention and I told him he needed to stop, he listened but thought he was wiser. He wanted to continue more than he wanted to obey. With the land on his rump came the understanding that what I was saying was true. He needed to stop.
A year ago I thought I was strong. I had a good bit together. It wasn't perfect but I was in a time in my life when I was "swinging through the air" hand in hand with my "Dad." Good relationships, good ministry, good job, good balance of my finances, good quiet times, etc. Swing.
Slowly I felt God tightening His grip and stopping the play time. "Beloved, we're approaching a busy street." My heart was stilled by what He said but didn't change the forward motion. Swing.
In June it was undeniable that God was moving me from my job. With that decision I cut half my pay, hours, and stress. It looked like a good thing. It was. Six months down the road it got a little tougher and tighter but, it was still a good thing. I was still swinging.
That's when things started getting a little tougher. I was in a good relationship. Solid, Christ-centered. In my need to plan, I planned it all out. "It's time to stop swinging." I didn't listen. With pain in His heart for me His arm went limp. Down on my rump. It hurt, bad.
I said goodbye to a nephew I'll never meet. Hurt.
I struggled in my quiet times. Hurt.
My car broke down. Hurt.
Friday Friend had some needs yet stayed unresponsive to my touch and interaction. Hurt.
J gets sick, I feel numb. Hurt
God lead me away the ministry I poured four years worth of hours into. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.
I've had to face my past in ways I didn't think still existed. I have been extensively stretched and tried. I have reached the end of what I thought was possible and kept going. I have jumped, stayed, cried, begged, rejoiced, and screamed. My year didn't end with a swing. It ended with one land on my tail after another. Pride goes before and fall and in my case, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall...
Get the picture?
I sat on the couch in Georgia one night as a dear sister in Christ gently took a gaze into the past twelve months. She hadn't been able to be there to give me a hug, hold my hand, or wipe my tears. But in some of my biggest hurt, unbeknownst to her, God pressed upon her heart to pray for me. It was like a hug from God to look back over the last year and put together her prayers and my hurt. In that moment the lyrics from the David Crowder Band song How He Loves flooded my heart. In all my moments of pain and hurt never ONCE did God release His grip on my hand. My backside throbbed from my constant throwing my body into the air and landing on my pride. BUT, my God never let go of my hand. Just like with my two year old I told him what was going on, I warned Him of the dangers, and instructed him to stop. When he refused I didn't let go and let him figure it out, I held his hand to keep him safe while he tasted a little of pain his pride needed to back off.
Let me show you what I mean.
God provided one great and steady blessing throughout my whole life not just this last year. My family. They haven't left me to my own and let me "figure it out." They have stayed through my ugliest and loved me in spite of it. They have hurt with me and for me. They have warned me of dangers, wiped my tears, and helped me learn. They have held me, scolded me, and laughed with me. They were there whenever I turned around and didn't once ask, "what can I do?" They just did. He held my hand. How He loves us.
My sister moved back to the east coast just before this year unfolded for me and was there when I went to the ER for my ex because I didn't know what else to do. He held my hand. How He loves us.
Random people in my past who hadn't spoken to me in forever contacted me telling me they were praying for me. He held my hand. How He loves us.
He has blessed me the best job ever. Flexible hours, and people. Wonderful, wonderful blessing. He held my hand. How He loves us.
Here are the lyrics to How He Loves. In so many ways I put together the weight of His mercy and see that it was more than I could have fathomed.
So yes. I am weak. I am so weak in fact that this entire last year profits my pride nothing to boast of. I didn't have any reason to boast. Not one. He took me, all of me, and everything I could give. He let me hurt a little to strip my pride and showed me how great His love, mercy, He is. Just when I didn't know why, I couldn't understand the reasons, I like Mr. McMillian's words say, didn't have time to see the afflictions eclipsed by glory. After I got over my disgust of falling I was crippled by how beautiful He was. I was crushed by His affection for me (as I write this I am having a hard time seeing the screen). How He loves us, oh how He loves us. How. He. Loves. Me. I was sinking in His mercy and grace and I am overwhelmed by how much He loves me.
In all the months leading up to this moment I can say that my pride needed to be taken away. This realization doesn't lesson the pain, it shows me where the pain was paid for once and for all and that in those limp arm moments, His hand holds on that much tighter.
I am standing on this side of it. Thankful to be through it. I have moved on from my relationship, job, and church. I am redefining what I mean by the small steps of obedience I am taking. Little by little I am standing back up and taking steps, hand in hand with my Father and smiling.
Linking up with: Serving Joyfully
And I won't be the first person to admit that...before now.
I will admit, claim even, that I am not perfect, I don't have it all together, I'm awkward, wrong, inconsistent, strange, and different. But, weak? Not me.
I suppose you could add prideful to that list because pride goes before a fall and let me tell you, I fell.
You want to hear a story?
I was out walking with my two year old and he kept pulling my arm to swing into the air. It was fun a few times and then I told him to stop. He didn't. I got his attention and asked him to cease from swinging because we were on a busy road. He continued. Finally I had asked enough times and just let him fall. When he went to swing I made my arm go limp and instead of swinging through the air his backside hit the pavement and his face looked at me in disgust.
I am not going to compare myself to God but I am going to draw some parallels. I had gotten his attention and I told him he needed to stop, he listened but thought he was wiser. He wanted to continue more than he wanted to obey. With the land on his rump came the understanding that what I was saying was true. He needed to stop.
A year ago I thought I was strong. I had a good bit together. It wasn't perfect but I was in a time in my life when I was "swinging through the air" hand in hand with my "Dad." Good relationships, good ministry, good job, good balance of my finances, good quiet times, etc. Swing.
Slowly I felt God tightening His grip and stopping the play time. "Beloved, we're approaching a busy street." My heart was stilled by what He said but didn't change the forward motion. Swing.
In June it was undeniable that God was moving me from my job. With that decision I cut half my pay, hours, and stress. It looked like a good thing. It was. Six months down the road it got a little tougher and tighter but, it was still a good thing. I was still swinging.
That's when things started getting a little tougher. I was in a good relationship. Solid, Christ-centered. In my need to plan, I planned it all out. "It's time to stop swinging." I didn't listen. With pain in His heart for me His arm went limp. Down on my rump. It hurt, bad.
I said goodbye to a nephew I'll never meet. Hurt.
I struggled in my quiet times. Hurt.
My car broke down. Hurt.
Friday Friend had some needs yet stayed unresponsive to my touch and interaction. Hurt.
J gets sick, I feel numb. Hurt
God lead me away the ministry I poured four years worth of hours into. Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.
I've had to face my past in ways I didn't think still existed. I have been extensively stretched and tried. I have reached the end of what I thought was possible and kept going. I have jumped, stayed, cried, begged, rejoiced, and screamed. My year didn't end with a swing. It ended with one land on my tail after another. Pride goes before and fall and in my case, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall, before a fall...
Get the picture?
I sat on the couch in Georgia one night as a dear sister in Christ gently took a gaze into the past twelve months. She hadn't been able to be there to give me a hug, hold my hand, or wipe my tears. But in some of my biggest hurt, unbeknownst to her, God pressed upon her heart to pray for me. It was like a hug from God to look back over the last year and put together her prayers and my hurt. In that moment the lyrics from the David Crowder Band song How He Loves flooded my heart. In all my moments of pain and hurt never ONCE did God release His grip on my hand. My backside throbbed from my constant throwing my body into the air and landing on my pride. BUT, my God never let go of my hand. Just like with my two year old I told him what was going on, I warned Him of the dangers, and instructed him to stop. When he refused I didn't let go and let him figure it out, I held his hand to keep him safe while he tasted a little of pain his pride needed to back off.
Let me show you what I mean.
God provided one great and steady blessing throughout my whole life not just this last year. My family. They haven't left me to my own and let me "figure it out." They have stayed through my ugliest and loved me in spite of it. They have hurt with me and for me. They have warned me of dangers, wiped my tears, and helped me learn. They have held me, scolded me, and laughed with me. They were there whenever I turned around and didn't once ask, "what can I do?" They just did. He held my hand. How He loves us.
My sister moved back to the east coast just before this year unfolded for me and was there when I went to the ER for my ex because I didn't know what else to do. He held my hand. How He loves us.
Random people in my past who hadn't spoken to me in forever contacted me telling me they were praying for me. He held my hand. How He loves us.
He has blessed me the best job ever. Flexible hours, and people. Wonderful, wonderful blessing. He held my hand. How He loves us.
Here are the lyrics to How He Loves. In so many ways I put together the weight of His mercy and see that it was more than I could have fathomed.
"How He Loves"
(originally by John Mark McMillan)
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.
So yes. I am weak. I am so weak in fact that this entire last year profits my pride nothing to boast of. I didn't have any reason to boast. Not one. He took me, all of me, and everything I could give. He let me hurt a little to strip my pride and showed me how great His love, mercy, He is. Just when I didn't know why, I couldn't understand the reasons, I like Mr. McMillian's words say, didn't have time to see the afflictions eclipsed by glory. After I got over my disgust of falling I was crippled by how beautiful He was. I was crushed by His affection for me (as I write this I am having a hard time seeing the screen). How He loves us, oh how He loves us. How. He. Loves. Me. I was sinking in His mercy and grace and I am overwhelmed by how much He loves me.
In all the months leading up to this moment I can say that my pride needed to be taken away. This realization doesn't lesson the pain, it shows me where the pain was paid for once and for all and that in those limp arm moments, His hand holds on that much tighter.
I am standing on this side of it. Thankful to be through it. I have moved on from my relationship, job, and church. I am redefining what I mean by the small steps of obedience I am taking. Little by little I am standing back up and taking steps, hand in hand with my Father and smiling.
Linking up with: Serving Joyfully
3.17.2014
Funday Monday: changing what service looks like
A week ago I landed after being gone for 24 exact hours shy of two weeks. It was a snap decision that only God could have orchestrated.
Mom heard of a need.
God spoke.
We moved.
Two days later I was on a plane bound for Atlanta.
It didn't really catch up to me until Thursday that I realized what I was doing. By that time, it didn't matter. I was doing it.
It's one of those times that completely alters what I think of service.
I didn't get off a plane in a rual African desert, the prostitute ridden streets of eastern Europe, or the orphan populated provinces in China. Unfortunately, this day and age, those are too lofty. I didn't deny myself many comforts. I had a warm bed, starbucks, good conversation, starbucks, a washing machine and dryer, starbucks, tasty food, starbucks, access to a computer, fellowship, and starbucks. And starbucks!
I spent the last two weeks pretending to be Princess Leia as a seven and eight year old took turns being Hans and Luke to save me. I spent hours cooking with an eleven year old as her kitchen skills were forming. I spent my evenings cuddling with a 2 week old. I spent my afternoons folding laundry, washing dishes, taking walks, doing school, and just being availible. Service.
The last two weeks my sister spent her days kissing my baby's booboss, fixing him meals, making potty runs, playing games, and watching movies. Service.
The last two weeks my parents gave of their time and money to provide care for someone 3 states away. Service.
My uncle gave up some airline miles to get me a ticket home. Service.
Indirectly we all worked to give to someone else. Service.
Galatians 5:13 talks about how in our freedom that we have received through the cross we are to serve one another. We are not set free to relish in our sin but free to love on and serve others. In high school my youth pastor worked on a saying that we used during a mission trip to Baltimore. He used the classic, God first, others second, and you last. I forget now the details because he had four categories not three. The saying was "Be four, be more." The idea behind it isn't that we have to place ourselves in fourth place to be effective. The idea is that being mindful that God is in first place and our hearts follow after Him in the ways He plans. When we set our gaze on the throne then loving on others becomes what our hands and feet do. Effectually ourselves get moved to fourth place unplanned but completely surrendered.
My time in Ga wasn't planned, thought out, or organized. I celebrated my birthday and dumped all my gifts into a suitcase and took off! That is why only God could have planned this. Sometimes those work out the best!
Some fun things about my trip:
- I got to catch up with (practically) my second family!
- I got to spend time with this sweet new member. Oh. My. Goodness. She is sweet!
- I got to visit two churches that on one Sunday had more members than a month of consecutive Sundays at my home church. Country mouse in the city much?
- I got to spend some awesome moments completely dependent on the Father because all my comforts and surroundings weren't there.
- I got to take some long (1 mile) walks with the kiddos.
- I got to eat some awesome food.
- I was treated to starbucks, and again, and again.
- I got to learn some new recipes.
- I got not one, but two bunches of flowers.
- I missed my family.
- I am thankful to be home.
Happy Monday and Happy St. Patrick Day!
Enjoy some cuteness!
Linking up with: Still being Molly for Funday Monday
God spoke.
We moved.
Two days later I was on a plane bound for Atlanta.
It didn't really catch up to me until Thursday that I realized what I was doing. By that time, it didn't matter. I was doing it.
It's one of those times that completely alters what I think of service.
I didn't get off a plane in a rual African desert, the prostitute ridden streets of eastern Europe, or the orphan populated provinces in China. Unfortunately, this day and age, those are too lofty. I didn't deny myself many comforts. I had a warm bed, starbucks, good conversation, starbucks, a washing machine and dryer, starbucks, tasty food, starbucks, access to a computer, fellowship, and starbucks. And starbucks!
I spent the last two weeks pretending to be Princess Leia as a seven and eight year old took turns being Hans and Luke to save me. I spent hours cooking with an eleven year old as her kitchen skills were forming. I spent my evenings cuddling with a 2 week old. I spent my afternoons folding laundry, washing dishes, taking walks, doing school, and just being availible. Service.
The last two weeks my sister spent her days kissing my baby's booboss, fixing him meals, making potty runs, playing games, and watching movies. Service.
The last two weeks my parents gave of their time and money to provide care for someone 3 states away. Service.
My uncle gave up some airline miles to get me a ticket home. Service.
Indirectly we all worked to give to someone else. Service.
- I got to catch up with (practically) my second family!
- I got to spend time with this sweet new member. Oh. My. Goodness. She is sweet!
- I got to visit two churches that on one Sunday had more members than a month of consecutive Sundays at my home church. Country mouse in the city much?
- I got to spend some awesome moments completely dependent on the Father because all my comforts and surroundings weren't there.
- I got to teach 3 different grades at the same time.
- I got to spend some time exploring a brand new city.- I got to take some long (1 mile) walks with the kiddos.
- I got to eat some awesome food.
- I was treated to starbucks, and again, and again.
- I got not one, but two bunches of flowers.
- I missed my family.- I am thankful to be home.
Happy Monday and Happy St. Patrick Day!
Enjoy some cuteness!
Linking up with: Still being Molly for Funday Monday
3.14.2014
Five on Friday: I'm Home
I am back online! I will explain more about my trip later. For now, happy Friday!
[one]
I spent the last 14 days with these guys! Long days, short nights, wonderful memories! But more to come! Just thankful for now mama, baby, and everyone else is back up and running.
[four]
When I got home Monday night I was STARVING! So my dad just took a little detour to get me some Peruvian to welcome me home. It was so tasty and delicious and a nice surprise.
[five]
...and totally unimportant. I downloaded scrabble and changed the language to see if I can play in Spanish. Totally surprised when it changed the game to Spanish! Notice the letters?
[one]
I spent the last 14 days with these guys! Long days, short nights, wonderful memories! But more to come! Just thankful for now mama, baby, and everyone else is back up and running.
[two]
Because of the aforesaid trip to GA and because they love me so (=D) they took me to Louie Giglio's church, Passion City Church. I felt like the country mouse visiting the city cousin. This church building is HUGE! I enjoyed it but very thankful for my church here.
[three]
I keep finding treasures as I unpack. It was WONDERFUL coming home and it is so nice to feel love from away too!
[four]
When I got home Monday night I was STARVING! So my dad just took a little detour to get me some Peruvian to welcome me home. It was so tasty and delicious and a nice surprise.
[five]
...and totally unimportant. I downloaded scrabble and changed the language to see if I can play in Spanish. Totally surprised when it changed the game to Spanish! Notice the letters?
Linking up with The Good Life Blog . Carolina Charm . A. Liz Adventures . Hello Happiness . for Five on Friday.
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